For the Former Greenskeeper in All of Us

Augusta National purists/elitists are enraged today at the most significant development in the video gaming industry since the arrival of Xbox Kinect (soo about a month ago... btw, in case you needed further proof that that dancing game is just plain gay...). That's right, any golf fanatic with a modern gaming system and a spare $60 can now virtually experience the dream that was previously lived out by so few: playing a round at coveted Augusta National.

"I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself"

Some are upset by this decision, claiming it will tarnish the club's longstanding history of exclusivity and it's overall reputation for just being above selling out for stuff like this, but we here at STRWR support the shit out of it. The only people who really have the right to care are the members, and something tells me they either support it, or they don't and it's their fault for electing the wrong chairman who did it anyway, because those are the only two ways this would get approval.
Anyone else who thinks this is a sell out, or that it ruins the pristine nature of the course is just fabricating some outrageous association between himself and the club because he is a "true golf fan" and went to the Masters once when he was 12 with his dad, and think he has some sort of connection with the place that now feels marginally less special. Look, a green jacket is the only piece of clothing that gets you a stake in this decision, not that Masters visor you used to wear sophomore year to prove how hard you could frat.

The bottom line is Augusta National is the crown jewel of golf courses and needs to be in this game. Think about it, how pissed were you when you were 10 and you went out and bought the greatest basketball video game ever and then found out you couldn't play with MJ, the best player in the world? How is this any different?


Pippen ain't easy

Truthfully, there is cause for concern... but we are focusing on the complete wrong issue here. The real question is, if everyone can buy it, how do you now stop all the women from playing the course???!!! This is practically a free membership for any broad with a TV!!! I demand a feature that will not unlock the course to anyone playing with a woman character. At least that way they will have to recognize that Augusta EA is for cyber-males only. (If this actually happened, I would, without question, piss myself from laughing so hard).

"Iron my shirt"

Really, though, the greatest thing about this addition to the game is it has opened the book for all sorts of other new ideas to be included as well. Think of the possibilities....

Every time you beat a level/stage/course in Tiger's challenge, instead of getting some fake trophy or record, you get to go to the hotel and "re-grip" your shaft in the 19th hole, courtesy of your choice of cocktail waitress/stripper! I mean the whole idea is to make the round as life-like as possible, but why stop there? Why not make the post-game just as realistic? (This just sparked a potential future post solely about which which courses/feats would unlock which mistress...)

On that note... the opening video to this game the first time you pop it in should be the never-before-seen footage of Tiger crashing his car and getting his ass beat by his smokin hot wife with his own nine iron. (We are pretty confident it would look something like this). Can you imagine the shock on you're face as you sit and watch the video fade to black as Tiger is carted off to the hospital... there is a brief, heavy silence... followed by... "E, A, Sports--It's in the game". I mean, how jacked up would you be to play some virtual golf after that shit?

Okay the sex addiction thing seems reasonable now...

Also, sick of waiting for the course to load after you select it from the menu? Instead of providing useless lob shot tips between screens, just show one of Tiger's "lewd text messages" he sent all those skanks (Note: this strategy not recommended for Madden 2012).

Finally, if this is not the theme song for the game, well that would be more of a shame than Phil Mickelson's regular post-tournament ritual: beating his kids... in a video game named after his rival.

Sometimes you just gotta get laid-io,

Shast