Luck Follows Laziness

Sometimes laziness pays off. As a naturally lazy and unmotivated person, I cherish these moments. To me there is no better feeling than blowing off something that seems important at the time, only to find out later that you were better off sitting on the couch in your boxers watching Back to the Future and drinking a PBR or six (Then repeating with Part II).

So you can imagine my delight yesterday when the Patriots got stomped by their arch rivals and America's favorite overweight, trash talking, foot fetish cameraman. You see, just days earlier, I had drafted an entire divisional round playoff preview post for this very blog. The conclusion of this post was essentially me listing the many reasons the Patriots would make Mark Sanchez their bitch and basically advising our reader(s?) to throw the bank at Brady & Co. Then fate stepped in. I was roughly four beers into the process of editing, adding pictures, and just making sure everything was up to par with the self imposed standards of the most sophisticated blog in the blogosphere, when Marty starts jamming out to Johnny B. Goode. The rest, they say, is history.


"Your cousin... Marvin Berry!"

Fortunately for our avid following of gambling advice seekers, I deemed the fate of Marty McFly and Doc Brown more important than sharing with the world my infinite knowledge of sports betting (disrupted only by grey-haired, mammoth necked, play-action incompetent safeties). In the end, laziness won, and thus, countless STRWR readers were saved from massive gambling debt. You're welcome.

The murderer of my three-game parlay



In case you were wondering about my success in the other three games last week, I was 3-0 against the spread. I do take pride in that undeniable clairvoyance, but to be fair, the Patriots game was the only one in which I used an anal-raping analogy, so I'd say that prediction carries a little extra weight. Still though, a 3-1 prediction post doesn't do anyone any good if it dies in the drafts folder. That's why tonight I am DVR-ing Jersey Shore and resisting the urge to watch He's Just Not That Into You for the third time this week to throw out some bold but scarily accurate speculation. Without further ado...

NFC

Packers (-3.5) over BEARS

Finally. I get a chance to do what I've been waiting to do all season: bet against the Bears in the playoffs. Unfortunately I could not do so last week, as they were playing some 7-9 team from the NFC West in the divisional round. Were it not for Marvin Berry slamming his car trunk on his hand that fateful November 1955 night, you would have read in my previous post that I have been dying to declare the downfall of the biggest douche in football, Jay Cutler, and my plea for someone to just please kick this guy squarely in the nuts. Seriously, if I were Roger Goodell I would award a bonus for knocking this guy out, rather than issue a fine. Let's forget about the rumored cocaine addiction, the interceptions, the lack of any perceivable social skills and the ugliest drop back in football for a second and focus on the worst part of his game: his face. 

One look at this pouty-face, quaffed up chotch and your first impression is miles away from starting quarterback in the NFL (not that anything else about his game would lead you to believe otherwise). He does have a cannon, but I refuse to believe  he will ever be able to get over himself long enough to lead a team to a Super Bowl. Throw in a subpar O-line being pressured by Clay Matthews and Charles Woodson and there is real cause for concern in Chicago. Plus, between dong photos, lawsuits, multiple injuries, and meth busted sisters, Brett Favre has become Karma's bitch this year, and she is saving the best for last: a trip to the Super Bowl for his former team. Rodgers comes in hot, Cutler throws three pics, and we have a six seed in the Super Bowl.

Final Score: Packers 24, Bears 16

AFC

STEELERS (-3.5) over Jets

Come playoff time, I usually like to bet with quarterbacks and defenses. It just so happens that Pittsburgh has the league's best defense against the run, and the Jets' passing attack is shaky at best thanks to their wildly inaccurate and grossly overrated quarterback. Plus, on the other side of the ball, Big Ben already has two rings, one more and he'll be able to give the brass-knuckle shocker to totally consenting college girls in GCSU bathrooms... so you know he's motivated. Seriously though, the Steelers only allow 2.8 YPC on first down, which means you'll be relying on Sanchez to step up and make a play on third and long way too often. That guy facing pressure on third down is more confused than German drivers when facing a traffic circle. I know the Steelers line is more banged up than the Hill Valley Clock Tower after a lightning storm and the Jets varying blitz packages could give them problems with pass protection... but at the end of the day, I just see Big Ben raping the shit out of this team. 



Define "consentual"...



Final Score: Steelers 31, Jets 24

Write em down, take it to the bank. Guaranteed money. Well... I don't know about guaranteed. But hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed I will--I got spare time. But now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake, you might want to think about taking the Steelers and Packers on Sunday. 

Stay Lazy-o,

Shast