Things that could make my weekend not suck.

I was listening to "AllNight" with Jason Smith on the radio last night because a) my cable's out, b) I don't have a girl to tell me to "turn it off and go to sleep, I have a headache... not tonight, it's not your birthday" and c) sports radio is my only source of news (seriously, I didn't know about 9/11 until the Yankees embroidered an "FD" in front of their hat logo... Too soon?). He brought up an interesting, if not existentially depressing, point: Dick-Rod won 15 games in the last 3 years. At Michigan (Now, I'm not saying that we, as Dawg fans, should look at this and say, "Good Lord, we're sitting pretty in the Classic City," but that's another story...). The point is, Rodriguez has had 15 good weeks of work in 156 weeks on the job. Here is a guy who hates life from the moment he wakes up till the moment he loses a game and drinks/cries himself to sleep 90% of the time. Ninety Percent! How many of you would bitch and moan about losing a job where only one day in ten you didn't seriously contemplate drinking a cocktail of printer ink and Drano and shoving your dick in a blender (if just to feel something again!)?

Especially with a $2.5 mil payout.

You could buy like 250,000 more wives with that, Rich!

Then I got to thinking... and I'm not much for self-pity; I'm generally a happy guy, but my life sucks way more than 90% of the time. I put in 80 hour weeks each and every week for roughly 40k a year. Oh, wait, sorry, -40k a year. I don't have no money. It would take another 2 teachers' salaries for me to be broke. In fairness' sake, there is a plan somewhere in there to get a for-pay job... which I will need to pay back a debt large enough to cripple Greece. Again.

Anyway, I stepped back off the ledge when it dawned on me that maybe we all have to sit back sometimes and realize that we should just enjoy the small victories we can scavenge each day. Savor the scraps of happiness falling from Life's mouth as it devours our dreams of being filthy rich, dating a supermodel, and owning a fully sentient yet good-natured robot who plays X-box (but is just a little worse than you at it). Maybe we don't need the pure, unadulterated joy of another Saints Superbowl... not to mention the 1st Dawgs National Title since Reagan (Those were the days, weren't they?). Or even finding out that kid who kicked yous ass in kindergarten got hit by a police car fleeing an attempted robbery. Maybe we just need the simple pleasure of realizing, "You know what? Today didn't suck so much."

That's for my milk money. Bitch.

That being said, and since list-based humor has never been done before, here is my Top 3 Ways This Weekend Might Not Suck...


3.) Saints torch the Seahawks.

Prediction: Pain.

Let's be real here, there aren't many prognosticators out there who have the Seahawks making it past this round. Even at 10 point favorites, this is still probably the safest bet of the weekend. I know this is a Wild Card team against a conference champion, but take away a loss in a meaningless game and the Saints have marched through the second half of the season. It should be a de facto bye week for the Black and Gold. Besides, being this year's NFC West Champion is akin to being the tallest midget (Sorry, "little person"). Case and point: Seattle is entering the playoffs with a losing record (You read that right). The one bright spot over the past few seasons for the Seachickens, Matt Hasslebeck, is banged up enough to be sharing snaps with a greenhorn who couldn't even win consistently in the ACC. And the way Gregg Williams calls blitzes, you might as well forward Jonathan Vilma's mail to the Seattle backfield because he will be living there.

But still, something about this game has me uneasy. Our two leading rushers are now out for the year, and even Breesus has been throwing picks like he wants some work on his tackling. The Saints are more beat up right now than a Saigon whore after weekend leave and Reggie Bush runs between the tackles like he's got Avian Bone Syndrome. Combine that with the difficulties of playing in a city who's beautiful weather inspired the hopeful and upbeat stylings of Grunge music, and this game might be a little more treacherous than we realize. Plus, there's that whole twelfth man thing, which is totally gay-bones.

But who gives a damn, we're America's Team (eat shit, Dallas, we can milk the Katrina thing for at least 4 more years).

Probability: Take it to the bank. Seriously. In hindsight, it's safer than actually putting your money in one was five years ago.
Happiness Quotient: Anything less would be a brutal blow to my psyche and would precipitate the retiring of my once-proud Marques Colston jersey. But hey, we're only going for "not sucking," right?

2) Bulldogs Make Some Noise at Stegeman.

You know what that is, Patterson? Two points and a aerial teabagging.

And I don't mean two or three highlights that will melt your face off and cause Brandon Knight to spontaneously evacuate his bowels. We'll get those.

I mean make some noise on a national level. The fans will be ready, the Coliseum needs a signature win to go along with its face-lift and the student body is screaming for a team to get excited about.

It won't be easy. Trey Thompkins, start your ascent to a lottery pick with a 20-10 game. Travis Leslie, prove you're really a skilled basketball player and not some mutant athlete who happens to play basketball. Dustin Ware, don't be afraid to throw it up from beyond the arc; open up the lane for our big guys. Defensively, be on Knight like bad press on Kanye West. Mark Fox, have them ready. It's our time.

Beat Kentucky and that lone AP vote makes babies. Let's get relevant for the first time since Jim Harrick taught Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball. It's time to make a splash, lock up Atlanta area recruiting, and have Men's Basketball finally compete with Football for fan attention.

Probability: Pretty much on par with the chances I eat Wendy's twice this weekend.
Happiness Quotient: Can you quantify the redemption of the Bulldog Nation? We need this.

1) Production of an Arrested Development movie officially announced.

Officer, it was either the guy on the left or O.J. Simpson.

If you've never seen the TV show, go watch it. I'll wait.

Pretty great wasn't it? Damn right it was. I won't go into it too much, because it's not really why you're reading this blog, but other than perhaps Freaks and Geeks, no greater show was ever cut so short for simply being too far ahead of it's time. I know this; I've seen every show ever.

Rumor has it that the last piece of the puzzle is to get Michael Cera signed on with the project. Really? You've got an Academy Award winning director (presumably) on board and the lame kid from Superbad is dragging his feet? Could someone tell this "actor" he's got less range than Stephen Hawking? Also, he's from Canada.

This is from that movie where he plays a painfully awkward kid that's not really even funny.

Come on, guys, you owe this to us, and you owe it to yourselves.

Probability: About the same as Linda Cardellini diving in my bed.
Happiness Quotient: About the same as Linda Cardellini diving in my bed.

What?! I totally have things I can offer her.